Graveyard Dirt: Two Worlds and In-between

A Day of Awesome

Do you know what's AWESOME? Waking up to find a plastic grocery bag stuffed with homegrown rhubarb waiting for you like an unexpected present on Christmas morning. (ZOMG THAT'S FOR //ME//?! AWE-FUCKING-SOME, says the Ukie woman who, as a Ukie girl, would wander around the great outdoors gnawing on endless stalks of organic Sourpatch Kids (when I wasn't foraging other people's blueberries, currants or raspberries) when she was too fucking lazy to go home to eat.)

Do you know what's more AWESOME than that previously mentioned AWESOME? Being able to spend a dubious amount of time pouring over cookbooks and internet cooking sites to find THE MOST PERFECT, MOST FUCKING AWESOME rhubarb recipe known to man (TO MAN, PEOPLE! TO MAN!) and getting more and more excited with every highly rated recipe you come across.

And do you know what's AWESOMER than THAT? Settling on a deep dish sour cream (SOUR FUCKING CREAM, SAYS THE UKIE GIRL NOW WOMAN, ONE OF THE ONLY BASIC FOOD GROUPS THAT UKRAINIANS RECOGNIZE!) strawberry and rhubarb pie tucked into golden, flaky lard pastry. (WHAT, YOU THOUGHT I'D RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD BAG OF HOMEGROWN RHUBARB ON A VEGETABLE OIL-BASED CRUST? LOL! LOL! LOL!)

(COULD IT GET MORE AWESOME? LORD ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN, YES. I HOPE YOU'VE ADEQUATELY SEDATED YOURSELF.)

Do you know what's AWESOMER than the already previously mentioned AWESOMER AWESOME AWESOMENESS? Coming home after a day of being out (MOVIE + BURGER KING (SNUCK INTO THE MOVIE, SHHH!) + GROCERY SHOPPING) with fresh ingredients on hand, hellbent on creating THE MOST PERFECT, MOST FUCKING AWESOME deep dish sour cream strawberry and rhubarb pie tucked into a golden, flaky lard pastry known to man and discovering that the plastic grocery bag stuffed with homegrown rhubarb - the unexpected present on Christmas morning - has mysteriously disappeared.

(OH, BUT THE /REAL/ AWESOMENESS IS ONLY /JUST/ STARTING!)

What could possibly be more awesome than the supreme awesomeness aforementioned? Realizing that SOMEONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE, despite knowing that the plastic grocery bag stuffed with homegrown rhubarb was YOUR unexpected present on Christmas morning, opened and claimed YOUR present while you were out and irreparably ruined it in the process. (MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, MS. GRAVEYARD DIRT.)

(CAN I GET A LOLOLOLOL THAT I WAS ACTUALLY //SHOPPING FOR THE THINGS I FUCKING NEEDED TO MAKE THAT FUCKING PIE// WHILE HE WAS SIMULTANEOUSLY FLUSHING THE PRIMARY INGREDIENT - THE INGREDIENT THE WHOLE PIE ADVENTURE WAS BASED ON - DOWN THE PROVERBIAL TOILET? THAT, DEAR AND GENTLE READERS, IS WHY HE'S "MR. AWESOME"; HIS INNATE TALENT FOR RUINING THINGS BORDERS ON SUPERNATURAL.)

And more AWESOME than that sparkling gem of awesomeness? THAT GODDAMN BAG OF FUCKING RHUBARB WAS THE FIRST FUCKING THING THAT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW FUCKING GAVE ME IN THE LAST BILLION MILLION YEARS THAT I COULD ACTUALLY FUCKING EAT. (FOR CHRISTMAS? I REQUESTED A BOX OF CHOCOLATE THAT WAS SITTING AROUND IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE IT WAS CHOCOLATE LITE, SOMETHING MY GERD/HERNIA/STOMACH THING COULD COPE WITH. WHAT DID I GET INSTEAD? A DARK FUCKING CHOCOLATE ORANGE AND ORANGE BOOZE. SHE FUCKING KNOWS I CAN'T EAT DARK CHOCOLATE, ORANGE, OR ANY SORT OF ALCOHOL, BUT INSTEAD OF //LISTENING TO ME// SHE DID WHAT SHE WANTED AND LEFT ME WITH CHRISTMAS GIFTS I EVENTUALLY HAD TO //GIVE AWAY// OR SUFFER V. SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES IF I ATE/INGESTED/DRANK.)

AND MORE AWESOME THAN //THAT//? My father-in-law - the "unexpected present on Christmas morning" snatcher - MADE OUT LIKE IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT THAT WE HAD TO HAVE ANOTHER PATENTED "SITUATION" IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE AFTER I CAME HOME TO DISCOVER THAT THE GIFT I WAS GIVEN ENDED UP BEING MUTILATED BY ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE HOUSE WHO, AT AGE 69, SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE'S THINGS. AND, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE //COOL// WITH SHIT WHEN HE DOES THINGS LIKE THROW OUT ASHES THAT BELONGED TO MY MOTHER, OR GIFTS ITALICS HAS GIVEN ME, OR PROJECTS I'M WORKING ON, OR KILL, RUIN, MAIM, BREAK ANYTHING THAT BELONGS TO ME OR IS IN MY POSSESSION? WHY CAN'T //I// BE A LITTLE BIT MORE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT HIS NEEDS AND ACTIONS?

And, finally, what's SO FUCKING AWESOME that it completely trumps any past AWESOME AWESOMENESS discussed in this journal entry AND THE HISTORY OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE? That instead of being treated to a homemade, deep dish sour cream strawberry and rhubarb pie tucked into a golden, flaky lard pastry the entire household is treated to this:

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