August 20, 2008

Final Answer

Filed under: Life

I see a specialist this Friday. (It's just a consultation so I don't think I'll be swallowing barium or a microscopic camera, but I'm sure it'll be one or the other soon after.) I've known for days (hell, I fucking scheduled the appointment), but I couldn't bring myself to say anything to anyone. (SURPRISE?)

Up until earlier today I was really, really scared (condensed bursts of panicked worry); then I found out I'd only be talking to the doctor, which made things seem a lot more manageable. (I mean, it's just like periods, right? As long as you DON'T SEE THE BLOOD you won't start cramping, even if you can FEEL YOURSELF BLEEDING. (That's the cosmic/universal rule - no red, no cramps.) So, as long as I STAY COMPLETELY IGNORANT OF WHAT'S BEEN WRONG FOR NEARLY TWO YEARS then, by that very scientific period/cramping law, it can't be bad.)

(I mean, it can't be -bad-, can it? I've lived with some version of this thing for nearly two years. If it was -bad- then something would've happened much sooner, much earlier - right? I MEAN, IF IT WAS REALLY PRETTY BAD -SOMETHING, ANYTHING- WOULD HAVE HAD TO HAPPEN BY THIS POINT. (Other than the burping, and vomiting, and regurgitation, and acid reflux, and dry coughing, and loss of appetite, and exhaustion, and nausea, and inability to sleep or go out or exercise or eat or have sex OR EVEN HAVE SOMETHING REMOTELY RESEMBLING A LIFE THAT CAN BE LIVED IN THE SLIGHTEST.))

PLEASE, GOD, LET THE GASTROENTEROLOGIST LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME THAT THIS IS OBVIOUSLY - OBVIOUSLY! - THE WORLD'S MOST IMPRESSIVE HERNIA, EVER, AND HE'S NOT EVEN ANTICIPATING, IN ANY SHAPE, WAY, OR FORM - A DIFFERENT DIAGNOSIS ONCE THE TEST RESULTS COME IN.

Because by this point? Getting knocked out so members of the local medical community can cut me open, hook my second stomach (OKAY, OKAY, SO IT'S ONLY PART OF MY -REAL STOMACH- THAT'S PROLAPSED, BUT STILL...TWO STOMACHS! I'M HALF-WAY TO HATHOR!), and jam it back down where it belongs seems like not such a big thing anymore. Minor operation? I can deal with that; I'm comfortable and so totally not freaking out over a hiatal hernia or the surgery that it would entail (just as long as that's what it is...all of it.)

(FINAL ANSWER.)